The Watercooler
By Staff
9/3/2006 02:21:05 PM


This is an open blog for discussing whatever you`d like.


Note: Remeber that while we encourage open discussion on these blogs, violations of the SoundOff blog policy will not be tolerated. So please keep it civil, or you will be banned.


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Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/09/2007 02:23:36 PM
Perhaps I should have said specticles.

 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/09/2007 02:22:17 PM
Thanks for the welcome. At my age, I'm for anything that is easier to read. Now if I can just find my gl#$%&!.
 
codeslinger
Comments: 24
Joined: 12/28/2005
02/09/2007 01:20:33 PM
Welcome to the new SoundOff.
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/09/2007 01:05:42 PM
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" DID YOU PASS THE TEST, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/09/2007 01:04:24 PM
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/09/2007 01:02:59 PM
This one's a little kinky but it's still funny.
Title: Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 50 minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
 
msla
Comments: 570
Joined: 12/29/2005
02/09/2007 08:20:43 AM
The Old Prospector & the Gunslinger

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He had been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and
laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd started to gather as the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you are gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking
sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the butt?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No. But I've always wanted to."
 
msla
Comments: 570
Joined: 12/29/2005
02/09/2007 08:07:42 AM
Twinkie, I loved the history test. That took me back to thinking about things I'd not thought of in years! Thanks for the memories!
And yes, the jokes were posted, but by me....ha ha ha ha!!! We're both losing it! ha ha ha ha! It's that flu - I'm telling you, it beats up a person!!! We passed that to one another a few weeks before Christmas. We didn't have the actual flu, though. The doctor called ours a 'flu-like' virus. All I know is that it leveled this household!
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/09/2007 05:25:13 AM
I can't remember if I posted these or not!
Does that mean my age is showing?

TELL ME IT WON'T HAPPEN TO US

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together
. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see.
" She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
" as she knocked on her wooden table for good measure.
" She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


_______________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,
"it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."


___________________________________________________
WHAT A CHOICE
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say,
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

___________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________________

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.!
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "I thought you were driving!"

______________________________________________________

ONE MORE.....

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam, an officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/09/2007 04:45:49 AM
Here's a little History test to see if you are older than dirt. I passed it guys, and I think I'm older than Kerosine.


If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap.

This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life. Get paper and pencil and
NUMBER 1-20, Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
AND HAVE FUN!!!!

1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight high beam switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt sha ke r

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!

5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7.. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax u sed ?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's-50's

a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summer fallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pu pil's name o n the top, to avoid their failure

17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c.. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco ?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe , took till the late '60's to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a se a m down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps , tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bo mb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today..


SCORING

17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share your wisdom!

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting there.

0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/09/2007 04:26:04 AM
Good one Msla. I am, after two weeks, still fighting that flu bug or virus. My two sons are still fighting it too but continue to go to work everyday. It really did knock us for a loop and I hope none of you get it.

 
msla
Comments: 570
Joined: 12/29/2005
02/08/2007 06:50:17 PM
It’s a little Irish humor:

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began putting a band-aid as best as he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty band-aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt. Mary stared at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you ask such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, .....it's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror."

 
AnnMossT
Comments: 47
Joined: 08/26/2006
02/08/2007 09:05:44 AM
Those were the best I've heard in a long time! Finally, a good start to my day.
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 06:22:40 AM
MM, I hope those will hold you for a while, I'm going back to bed.
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 06:07:26 AM
THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU



I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"


At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions


Cell phones, don't you just love them.
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 06:05:59 AM
Life Explained

God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your >house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a >life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain >people, > do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life >span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to >field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves >and > give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of >sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live >for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, >have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty >years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, >I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave >back > and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in >the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey >tricks to entertain our grand- children; and for the last ten years we sit >in > front of the house and bark at everybody.


 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:56:54 AM
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks, Bob
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:50:00 AM
ELMO There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmos toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a>straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..................

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:44:34 AM
English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.... big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call...................................... the French Embassy."
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:38:51 AM
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle along the way and picked it up suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant unworthy daughter of a dog, don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said "I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." he thought a moment, mumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with 3 American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His privates were gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:36:33 AM
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, & knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, & she says "Hi, my name is Heather & you're losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her & proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up & knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again & continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, & you're losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up & races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, & runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, & after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Colorado & I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:33:17 AM
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then" ......

He sighed................

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:26:53 AM
Students were assigned to read two books, Titanic & My Life by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

REPORT:

Titanic:..... $29.99

Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:..... Bill is a bulls**t artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Roses dress gets ruined.

Clinton:.....Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:..... Lets not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

Clinton:..... Monica forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, lets not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:11:06 AM
Title: THE YEAR 2006's BEST (actual) HEADLINES

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:05:42 AM
Texas Cowboy

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy… "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

‘’You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You’re a consultant for the National Democratic Party," says the cowboy. "Wow! That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know anything about my business… Now give me back my dog."
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 05:01:51 AM
The sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies

Toward the end of the Service, the Minister asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your Enemies?" Eighty percent of the congregation held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time except one small Elderly lady.

Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the Minister asked.

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.


"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" Ninety-Eight," she replied.


Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the World?"


The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the Congregation, tapped the mike to make sure it was working and said:


I outlived them witches."
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 04:53:21 AM
A man forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE >THERE!!"
The next morning Tom got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough >there > was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Tom has been missing since Friday.

 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 04:49:51 AM
A few years ago, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos and then the White House couple went on their way. As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said,"Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner." She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, HE would be the President of the United States TODAY!"

 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/08/2007 04:47:33 AM
O.K.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."


Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"


"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.


Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
 
mountainman
Comments: 739
Joined: 09/13/2006
02/07/2007 09:12:44 PM
Twink,Ithink a joke is 'bout due.Other wise the bedding sounded nice.nite-nite,MM.
 
mountainman
Comments: 739
Joined: 09/13/2006
02/07/2007 08:17:37 PM
So sad! Why can't it be the way it was in '66.That was such a happy,carefree time.Bearly remember that far back,but I know it was the best of times!I was 7 in 66.Hope society didn't decay because of me.
 
maggie
Comments: 1542
Joined: 01/08/2006
2/07/2007 09:56:37 AM
Good post MSLA and how far we have come in the name of "progress"!!!!!

Recently my 8 year old grandson took some plastic swords (small ones) in his backpack to school. Thankfully he didn't get them out and show them to anyone. We had a talk and I told him even though they were plastic, he could get in big trouble for taking them to school and even be expelled. I do understand the need for safety, but we go to extremes, when just a little common sense would work.
 
msla
Comments: 570
Joined: 12/29/2005
02/07/2007 08:40:37 AM
I was sent this:

Changing Times


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.



1966 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized student and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1966 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1966 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1966 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's
mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1966 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the bus dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1966: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing
lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1966 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1966 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

All in the name of progress!
 
bloggeye
Comments: 291
Joined: 08/18/2006
02/07/2007 12:09:24 AM
We have a sleep number bed or whatever it's called. It was a Christmas gift from my inlaws (9 years ago). My husband's side broke last week. Luckily, it wasn't my side or my mother-in-law would blame my "slight" weight gain on it's demise. He's constantly inflating his side. The company is supposed to send us parts, but for the time being, he has taken over my side. I'm left with the super soft deflated side. Why we have to have an electronic mattress is beyond me. I guess, never look a gift horse in the mouth.

 
mountainman
Comments: 739
Joined: 09/13/2006
02/06/2007 09:10:20 PM
Can we dig up the doddie on our own government officials in floyd co? That might be interesting.
 
mountainman
Comments: 739
Joined: 09/13/2006
02/06/2007 09:07:05 PM
annaT,The pocket is where the castoffs from normal live.You don't want any part of the hillbilly folk that reside in that desolent god-forsaken run down toxic waste dump of a place.Tell everyone you know to stay away.You would be welcome though.Wear your boots!!!!mm
 
BigShiggy
Comments: 494
Joined: 01/19/2006
2/06/2007 08:51:41 PM
I had seen that one before msla.
Another related page I found gave a "breakdown" of some of the offensives and their party affiliations.

I did a breakthechain search on this page and came up "no results".

http://www.wwco.com/~dda/criminals.php

Information on driving offenses were for single years alone, 1998 and 1999.

Credibility is in the eye of the mouse holder.
 
BigShiggy
Comments: 494
Joined: 01/19/2006
2/06/2007 08:32:55 PM
When we bought our Kingsdown PillowTop, they are quite expensive, ours was around $2,300 but was the most comfortable bedding I have ever slept on. Very hard to get out of this bed due to the comfort level, but that is my opinion.
Try a search for this bedding or the one that has the sheep on it (Serta) for less than the Kingsdown.
 
AnnMossT
Comments: 47
Joined: 08/26/2006
02/06/2007 08:22:39 PM
Thank you, Ima..I haven't lived up here too long so I don't know all the lingo yet!
 
Ima D Scamp
Comments: 286
Joined: 08/30/2006
02/06/2007 08:04:35 PM
Ann Moss T: Well..... I will try to describe the "pocket" to you. Look at the map of Floyd County and up in the corner (aka known as the pan handle in Texas) is a strip of Floyd County that is approximately 5 miles wide (?). have heard different versions.....
Turkey Mountain Road.... ever hear of that..... anyway...... good hunting if u are a hunter...... it's a beautiful view up this way!
So much for the info..... gotta run.
Will be waving at everyone ...... Ha!
Info, humor and a little bragging as usual!
 
msla
Comments: 570
Joined: 12/29/2005
02/06/2007 06:50:06 PM
Can you guess which organization fits the following description? Maybe the NBA? OR NFL?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits

and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving
within its last year.

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group who crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep us in line.

(These figures were based on those members before the 2006 November election.)
 
brandy
Comments: 5
Joined: 02/06/2007
02/06/2007 02:04:15 PM
Does anyone know where to find a good mattress?
 
AnnMossT
Comments: 47
Joined: 08/26/2006
02/06/2007 09:31:23 AM
What is the pocket?
 
msla
Comments: 570
Joined: 12/29/2005
02/05/2007 11:16:39 PM
MM, Ima - don't get mixed up with the rest of us just waving at ya!!! You'll be thinkin' all of us are an 'MM' or an 'Ima' !!!!!
There'll be a lot of hootin' goin' on up in the pockets from now on!!! Just wave and see!!!!
 
mountainman
Comments: 739
Joined: 09/13/2006
02/05/2007 08:56:11 PM
Did yall read about the Super-Bowl party at the corner church?R.N.T.thinks it was way cool.
 
mountainman
Comments: 739
Joined: 09/13/2006
02/05/2007 08:30:58 PM
Hozeveryonedoing,Man itis cold.Ima, Im a from the pocket too.Do we know who we are?Do we want to know who we are?Any how,Iwill wave when we meet on the road.That way you will know its me.If you wave,i'll know itsu.We are so blessed.DO YOU AGREE?
 
Ima D Scamp
Comments: 286
Joined: 08/30/2006
02/05/2007 02:46:07 PM
WOW: Coming up for air, thawing out here in the pocket. Friend of mine called to inform me that a Floyd County Policeman was found dead early this morning. Radio had said he took his own life. Not sure of the name.
COS (change of subject) on a happier plane.
Way to go Peyton and ALL of the Colts.
Info:
As for jokes, I signed up for the daily humor a couple of years ago. Perhaps others might be interested:
www.dobhran.com or e-mail request to dobhranshumorama@dailydilly.com. They will send you all of the funnies from around the world. I get a kick out of them every day!
Oh Yeah! Ronnie Wallace has accepted a position as Vice Presidency of a Bank in Marietta..... read it in the R.N.T.......
So much for today's justan opinion, information, observation and sentiments as usual. Ima D(stands for Drama) Scamp!
 
Twinkie
Comments: 416
Joined: 01/18/2006
02/05/2007 01:42:28 PM
Colts Won! Colts Won! Colts Won!

****
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Bear's game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Bears game, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Bears game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
 
AnnMossT
Comments: 47
Joined: 08/26/2006
02/05/2007 08:12:29 AM
I'm not sure which store it is, but it makes a thunder sound before the misters go off over the produce. It's actually kinda relaxing...like one of those sound machines but with effects. The sound, the water running, Ahhhh...I'll just hang out in the produe for awhile and de-stress.

 
IrishRed
Comments: 593
Joined: 01/19/2007
2/05/2007 07:52:19 AM
It's like the old Golden Gallon where the cows mooed when you opened the milk coolers. The also have the misters at BI-Lo. Didn't know that was what it was for a while. Thought it was a compressor malfunction.
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